Buff Hot Chicks!

I have a football and an economy size bottle of KY jelly, It will fit!!!

2005-06-10T20:01:14Z

Like OMG I soooo love my life. I never knew how greatly intrigueing having an oversized football stuck in my recktum could trully be. And the best part is, I didn't have to cheat on my boyfriend, cuase I had my cousin do it, it's MY cousin so it's not cheating, life can be so perfect. And then my dominatrix DANYEL ZERELLA came over after the footballing and she took a gerbal, put a little lube on it and stuck it right in my ass, god I love anal penetration...I think Danyel enjoyed My putting a pineapple in her ass way more but the sounds she made during the whole thing just made it all that much more of a turn on...well, I need to go put more things in my butt, bye.

<3 Deputy Twinkster

Lambchop Pies

2005-03-18T21:44:26Z

So I'm at work right now and I just smoked a banana full of chocolate and now I need a drink of listerine flavored gatorade to calm down the maggots in my pancreas. I heard the other day Twinkie got off real easy at court. She called me while I was being sucked into the toilet. I don't know how it happened. One minute I'm lifting my leg to flush and the next minute, BAM!!! I'm in the Land of Narnia. It was really special. These brown pieces of poop greeted me as soon as I fell into the snow after passing through the candy cane door under the toilet pipes. I'd heard about these friendly pieces of poop but had never seen them for myself before. The best part was when they baked me twelve lambchop pies. Now THAT was really special!
Signing off,
Bon-Bitch

I Love Scary Spice.

2004-10-08T17:48:31Z

It has been quite a while since I have updated this journal. I guess my life has just been so dull I havn't felt the need to share it with the rest of the world. Nothing is really exciting...The past few months I have been in outer space because these gooey green things grabbed me while i was sleeping and brought me abourd the Mother ship. It oddly enough slightly resembled a chicken nugget.
While aboard the ship I met this great guy, well I thinkit was a guy you really can't be to sure when they are covered in green slimy gunk, nevertheless, a great kisser. Not to long after we met, we got engaged and hen married. His/her name is Guatalupea. And he/she adopted Nippers as his/her own, it was quite cute. Although I am getting slightly suspicious of the fact that they spend so much time together, and that whole thing where I found them naked sleeping next to each other when they said they were at the mall. I'm sure I am over reacting though...There is absolutely nothing pointing in the direction of foul play...
Well, that is all for now, I'm sure I will update this later I have to go take Nippers to the Vet because his/her bum bum has a rash on it and is swollen...byes.

-Twinky-

The Station

2004-01-05T02:20:18Z

Dude, I just had the best drug induced experience EVER. I was on the train going from Alaska to Canada when the train's tired popped, man. This old dude tried to jack it but the train was too damn heavy and his breath smelled like cheese. Wait, no, that was me.

Anyway, I'm on the train and the electricity suddenly goes out. I'm like, dammmnnn, and the black guy next to me is like, SHUT UP WHITE GIRL and then the hispanic lady on the back of the train is like, MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ON THE BACK OF THE TRAIN FOR FAR TOO LONG, NIZZLE! And boy did that black guy ever get piss-izzled. So I tried to be all peace makery and was like, LISTEN MY GRIZZLE--you know, trying to get all up in his language so I could talk to him on his lev-izzle. And you know what he did? He fucking punched me. And it hurt.

So everyone's all pissed and the train's tired has popped and these two conductors are running down the isle, except they've gone commando, and it was just weird, man. At least they kept their hats on so that we all still knew that they were conductors. Conductors are important, you know. Well, one of the naked conductors approaches me--the ugly one, not the hot one--and says, WANT TO SEE MY SECRET LOVE NEST? And I'm like, NO THANK YOU. And he says, AWW COME ON BITCH, YOU CAN HANDLE IT. And I say, OH NO, I ASSURE YOU, I CANNOT. But then the other two naked conductors come over and drag me there, so I have no choice.

As they're dragging me down the isle through the dining cart, they stop between carts. You see, that small place between cart doors is a very magical place, children. Suddenly, everything turns this greenish-purple color and all of these funky images start swirling and I swear to God I see a troll and an Ewok making love with their noses. And when it all stops, I'm flying and covered in glitter.

Fortunately, the Ewok has stopped his fornication to come fly with me, and he happens to know everything about the 100-acre woods, which was where we are heading. When we get there, there's this homely fellow named Rabbit who asks if I'd like to sample his garden herbs, to which I politely decline. Then a stout fellow by the name of Thumper approaches me and asks, in sign language, how my mother is, as he's just made sweet, sweet love to her the previous evening. I tell him that I do not care to hear about my mother's sexual escapades.

And so we continue on. I ask Ewok, WHY ARE WE HERE, IN THE FICTITIOUS HUNDRED-ACRE WOODS? He answers me in Spanish, AMIGA MIA, ERES MUY LENTA Y NO PUEDES CAMINAR. YO SOY JESUS. Though I'm still not quite sure what he's said, I accept his kind words, as they make me feel safer somehow. And, as I've been learning Spanish for three whole days, I give the usual response, CHINGATE, EWOK. Y GRACIAS POR LOS BEBES DE MUCHOS COLORES. UN DIA, ESPERO QUE TU VAYAS CON LOS DIABLOS. He gets very angry, so I think that my accent might not be very good.

Then he gives me three puke green schrooms and I wake up in the back of a stranger's car on top of an olympian banker, just leaving the station.

Like Oh My God!!!

2003-09-08T03:14:59Z

Okay so today was like totally super my babes. I like so woke up at like 12 in the afternoon. It was like superarific my hunnies. Anyways, After I had my shower and puked up the 3 frosted flakes I ate for breakfast, I went for a drive. I was bored and because my Daddy pays for everything I could ever want or need ever, I didn't have to go to work like my room mate; Commander Bon-Bon. Back to the topic of my random drive...
Okay, so like I totally was on the highway going in no particular direction when all of a sudden I hit a deer. I was like "Oh fo-shizzle, that's poopy"...I was like super duper scared...So I got out of the car to make sure that I did not dent my mercedes...so yea...I got out and all of a sudden the deer got up and started talking...in ebonics...he said "Damn bitch whatchu be thinkin you be doin ho'. I just be walkin on da road n you come outta no wher n get all up on mah hiney. stupid g, you be crampin my style werd. Why the shizzle you be hatin G? Whatchta gots against da africizzle deer biatch? You hit me caz I'm black aint you? Damn bitch"...I assured him(he refered to himself as G-Rizzle)that I did not hit him on purpose. And then we decided to make out. ...
The strangest thing happened 18 minutes later...I had his children. We named them A-Dawg, and Juanita. A-Dawg has my eyes and his fathers hind legs. Where as Janita has her father antlers and my lips. They are beautiful children. But just like everything in my life, they are also very very average, and not out of the ordinary at all. After the birth, I went back to my apartment and introduced the kids to my pet cat/goat. I'm sure they will get along just fine...After all, we are all blood relatives, my "pet", actually being my brother/sister. yay for family. Well thats all for now. Such a very boring day. Oh I forgot the part where I got abducted by flting green care bears from outer space the night before. They did funny things to my bum. But I forgave them because their shifty little eyes we just so adorable. What's weird though, is ever since that I have has this very strange attraction to stuffed animals. Oh well, that;s nothing strange at all. God my life is so boring.

-EatOutMyTwinky-

A piss poor day

2003-07-16T23:45:39Z

Things here are pretty normal. Really. I just went to go deliver a letter, in fact. Walked down my street. Passed a few hoboes eating peppermint sticks on the way. The peppermint sticks reminded me of toothbrushes, and how I used to enjoy gagging myself with them. But I digress.

So I delivered the letter. No big deal, right? But as I placed the letter into the mailbox, my arm got caught. Something was pulling me in. And then I heard this eerie voice. I see dead people. It was fucking creepy! And then, whatever it was, let go. But all night, doors kept closing by themselves in my house, and windows kept falling down. Pish posh, I told myself. Mere coincidence.

I had my alarm set for late the next morning, but I woke up earlier than I'd intended, for the simple fact that there was goo in my bed. It was green, glowing, and all over my face, the rest of my body, and the rest of my bed. I tried to dismiss this, too, as a product of the storm that had come to pass while my window was open and I was asleep, or at the very least, I convinced myself that it was a nightmare and fell back into slumber.

Alas. I found it a bit difficult to ignore the alien lying beside me, staring, when I awoke. Its eyes were a deep, deep black, and before I knew it, I'd falled into them. It was very dark for a very long time, and I suddenly found myself having terrible cravings for Twizzlers and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. And when I got to wherever it was that I was going, there were twelve aliens, all standing in a line, all wearing pink tutus and cooking hats, all holding plates of chocolate chip cookies, all with a puddle of green ooze trailing down their legs.

Damn.

~ Shake Your Bon-Bon 79

Well I'll be damned...

2003-06-30T02:49:58Z

I cheeted on my diet today. I'm such a bad bad bad bad girl. I was planning on splitting a baby carrot into 3 pieces, and then eating that for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oops...next thing I know I ate 4 1/4 sheet cakes, 17 ho-ho's, an economy size box of ding-dongs, and 10 pounds of nine lives crunchy(Nippers was really mad I ate his/her food). I am so dissappointed in myself.
However, my eating habits are not exactly what I wanted to write about...You see, today I was taking Nippers for a walk, and the darnest thing happened...Nippers rammed his horns into this little boy, I still say that he was just playing and that the boy had no right to do what he did but anyways, the boy pulled out a big bag of this powder stuff. At first I just thought that it was cocaine, because I mean what other kind of powder would a ten year old boy have ya know? Anyways, he blew the powder in our face and the next thing I know, I'm underwater...
I realized at once where I was, it was the lost city of Batlantis, just east of Atlantis. I figured I mise well take the opportunity to get a glance, so me and Nippers set off. We heard a strange noise a few minuted later, I couldnt quite make out what it was though, so we continued walking in it's direction.. It then became clear to me what it was. The animals were hailing their leader, Alanis Morasette. It was quite a sight, she's like soo my idol. So I had to get an autograph. Nippers, and I walked up to her, and I asked her to sign my face because I didnt have any paper. She did, in this special ink that never ever comes off ever. It was like so happy. And as an added bonus she shaved her signiture into Nipper's stomach. So now like Nipper's and I are like the coolest people ever...The only problem was that Nippers and I had no idea how to get home. Luckily, Superman like burst out of now where and took us back home. He then told me that Nippers was sexy and asked for his/her hand in marriage, I was like duh your superman, of coarse you can marry my cat/goat. So they are like now engaged. Such a beautiful ending to a beautiful day. What made things ever better was that Superman found out about the boy with the powder, and like went and found him and told him" You little bitch you better stay away from my bitch, or I'm gunna bust a cap in your ass". He's so over pertective. But it was cute the way he defended Nippers. And that My friends was my day...So typical...
*..::EatmyTwinky::..*

A trip to the zoo

2003-06-28T21:54:58Z

I was so bad today. I woke up, took a shower, and when I got out, I was SO hungry. So I ate a twinkie for breakfast. And a wedding cake for lunch. Twice. But that's not what I signed on to write about.

What I really wanted to talk about was my trip to the zoo this morning. Before I ate the wedding cake and 523 french toast sticks. It was just a normal trip to the zoo, la la la, a day like any other. The only bad thing that happened was when I made the mistake of paying the $55 to pet the giraffe. I stepped on the stool, right? To pet his head. Except something weird happened. He tried to eat me. He dipped his head down to mine, and before I knew what was happening, my entire body was inside his mouth.

I thought to myself, why waste an opportunity like this? And I decided to explore a lil. I'm walking around, la la la, and I hear these *voices*. Kind of chanting, almost like a song. I get a lil closer, and the verse becomes clearer.

*blah blah blah blah the lollipop king, the lollipop king, the lollipop king, la la la la....*

And I'm thinking, dude, those midgets from "The Wizard of Oz" are still around??? Cool! So I approach their leader, who is not Swedish like I thought, but Russian. And he offers me a gin & tonic. And I'm thinking, sweeeet. We talked about the ongoing wars in the Middle East, abortion, and how he keeps his nails so well manicured. I did get out, eventually, but I'm too hungover to remember how. Oh yeah, and we inhaled lots of helium. Lots. That's how they get their voices to go up so high.

Well folks, exhaustion is sweeping over me, and I need to get out to dinner, so I bid you adeiu. Maybe I'll have some lollipops for dessert.

~ Commander Bon-Bon 79

So typical...

2003-06-27T18:03:51Z

Like Oh My GOD!...Why can't anything interesting ever happen to me. Today my friend Billy-Sue was telling me about how her car broke down on the highway, and some hot guy came and rescued her. I mean seriously, that like never happens to people. And I'm here stuck with the most boring life ever, I mean all that happened to me today was I went to do the dishes and got sucked into another one of those portal thingys. I like got up and there was a bunch of naked, neon, metallic, green, gnomes. They were beating one another with paddles that read "naked, neon, metallic, green, gnome beating paddles"...I was like geez, then once again I was approached by one of them, he introduced himself as "Buben", he claimed that his brother was that guy who won American Idol, and insisted that he had a better voice. I was like um, ok, do I care? Like OMG who says that to somewone they have never met. I had a serious case of the wigginz by this point, but then all of a sudden, Buffy the Vampire Slayer burst in and killed them all. Then she took me home by way of flying carpet....My days are so boring...I think the most exciting thing that happened to me today was either when I heard about Billy-Sue, or when Nippers, pissed all in Commander Bon-Bon's mouth while she was sleeping on the cough. Why can't anything fun like having a cat/goat piss in my mouth ever happen to me?
*..::Lickmytwinkuty::..*

My life is sooo average...

2003-06-26T22:51:19Z

Today was a normal day...I woke up and ate breakfast, then took a shower. While I was in the shower, I somehow found myself being sucked down the drain. I think I may have been knocked unconcious, but when I came to I found myself in a room with a lot of flying pink donkeys. One of them came up to me and intoduced himself as "Jippy". I said "Hello Jippy, where am I"? to which we responded " you are in the land of big pink flying donkeys, it's located west of Guam. There is a portal under your shower". This was very interesting information, but I figured that there must be a portal to somewhere under everyone's shower. So I just asked how to get home. Jippy told me that all I had to do was put on a pair of neon pink hot pants and run around screaming " I am in love with the drummer from the former pop band Hanson" 17 times and I would return home. Seconds after I did this I found myself back in my shower. I finished up and got dressed for a day of work on the corner. So like I said It was a completely normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens to me.
P.S My cat/goat Nippers says "meowahhh" to anyone reading this...I think that means "hello" in cat/goat language

*..::Deputy Twinky::..*